The Coctionary

The Coctionary is a list of new words. The term comes from the words “dictionary” (a reference book containing words and their meanings) and “concoction” (the act of creating something, in this case, a new word). These words are given a special name, indefonyms, because it is not known whether they will be “accepted” by either:

1.) The majority of people who use words.
2.) The major dictionary maker, who shall remain nameless (it quite ironically rhymes with “Coxford”).

Douglas Adams and John Lloyd wrote “The Meaning of Liff” to define words for things that happen in life but don’t have names… yet. They were indefonyms of sorts. For example, there was abilene (adj.) – descriptive of the pleasing coolness on the reverse side of the pillow. Or clovis (n.) – one who actually looks forward to putting up the Christmas decorations in the office. With all of that out of the way, please continue… BUT before reading further, always remember to kneel, repeat “Vera Wang Got Good Tang” three times, then rub Quagmire doll’s head for good luck. Not doing so will displease the great and powerful Coctionary… and we would always like to have a happy and satisfied Coctionary.

Garfull (v.): To almost drop something and then do the same thing that caused you to almost drop it and actually drop it this time.

Futilgert (n.): The vain attempt to get the last little bits of yogurt from its container without appearing too desperate. A feat particularly hard for dogs.

Minimiss (v.) Trying to sink an “easy” putt in miniature golf only to narrowly miss the hole sending the ball to a new location thought to be “easy” as well. Usually accompanied by several obscenities, especially when competition is close.

Piedril (v.) To leave a small slice of pie for another time only to return shortly afterwards to eat the pie anyway.

Piedril Response, The (n.): Piedrilling the final slice is a tough decision and is usually divided into six phases: 1. Staring at the refrigerator. 2. Opening the refrigerator and staring at the pie. 3. Quickly getting a new or used fork before the friggin’ refrigerator door closes. 4. Carefully taking hold of the pie so there is no risk of garfulling it. 5. Enjoying the delicious slice with a very deliberate slowness (the image above shows Laura Bush in this phase). 6. The lingering satisfaction of really awesome pie, mixed with a little bit of shame.

Quizle (v.): To lay in bed watching TV actually considering buying something from QVC.

Snagle (n.): A snail mixed with an eagle. Needless to say, this animal got kinda screwed when it comes to physical attributes. It is not fast and nimble like the eagle, but slow and awkward like the snail. It can fly, but only when forced to escape French chefs. Mentally, however… well, it still got screwed. Let’s face it. Snails ain’t that smart and any eagle that mates with a snail is a dumbass eagle.

Snargle (v.): To snort and gargle at the same time. Not to be confused with a snagle, especially when a snagle is snargling which happens surprisingly often since the snargle is the mating call of the snagle.

Spatfooky (n.): The feeling of idiocy after opening a resealable bag from the wrong end.

Zizzflurp (v.): To trip up an escalator then catch yourself at the last possible moment.

Quidsjy (n.) The unfortunate realization that there is less than one minute before the alarm goes off in the morning when you don’t know whether to get up and turn it off or wait for those dreaded suspense-filled seconds to pass.

Pepzing (v.) Using pepper to identify which areas of a food have been seasoned so you know when it’s time to re-season a dish. See stoofzing.

Slurpip (v.): Licking a plate of gravy when no one is around.

MooBoo (n.): The courage to order smoothies like “Berry Bada-Bing” and “Billy Bob Banana” even though you know you sound like a buffoon. Asking for one or two “Booster Blasts” takes extra fortitude. Many times I have seen people standing in line, shaking, trying to summon their “MooBoo”.

1. Extreme lack of MooBoo.
2. MooBoo at its finest – Michael from La Femme Nikita pondering his smoothie choices.

Ookifus (n.) The odd feeling that you always seem to come upon the same page when you randomly flip through your desk calendar.

Stoofzing (v.): Pepzinging turkey stuffing (and other foods lacking visual similarity) only to realize it’s quite impossible.

Keebler Effect, The (n.): The theory that the taste of a food is inversely related to the time it takes to eat the food. So delicious Keebler Sugar Wafers virtually dissolve on your tongue, but disgusting things like vegetables take a long time to consume. See smuckerize.

Milk Dud Paradox, The (n.): A contradiction to The Keebler Effect. Named since Milk Duds (and a few other rare foods) are very delicious, yet take longer to consume than most salads.

Smuckerize (v.): To cover an unpleasant food with Magic Shell topping to counteract the Keepler Effect.

Bumstum (n.): A series of stumbles so boring you vow to never use StumbleUpon ever ever again, well at least until you’re even more bored with MySpace.

Manfant (n.): A grown man, like myself, who still uses the phrase “You fall down, go boom” whenever a child falls.

Awestum (n.): A series of awesome stumbles that make you wonder if StumbleUpon really truly “knows” you by now. Always followed by obscenities when you come upon a bumstum, making you realize StumbleUpon is more like a second cousin’s friend’s sister to you.

Mistooklook (n): When stopped at a light in a convertible, your really wild hair that everyone notices but you forget about and therefore assume everyone is “checking” you out.

Dohzzz (v.): Getting up at night to use the bathroom hitting every door and a wall or two along the way.

Flart (v.): Having an incredible thought and then totally forgeting what it was because something trivial like a Mickey Mouse commercial distracts you.

Chewygooeypooey (n.): Having to choose between vanilla pudding, tapioca pudding and banana pudding. Vanilla pudding is, well, vanilla pudding. Tapioca pudding is lumpy vanilla pudding. To enhance the flavor and texture (yeah), it contains some type of rare caviar-like element not even known to food scientists. Be thankful there are no tapioca pudding pops. What can be said of banana pudding. Bananas are good. But the pudding mostly makes you wanna heave. Be thankful there is no banana-tapicoa pudding – and resign to just eat the vanilla, yuk!

Yumcrums (n.): The tasty crumbs at the bottom of a potato chip bag.

Keatanuts (n.): Diane Keaton fans.

Midimistic (adj.): Somewhere in-between optimistic and pessimistic. Expecting real life, not the best or the worst. The glass is not half-empty or half-full, it’s a little too big.

Floops (n.): Walking around with your fly open, but your belt buckled.

Celebrididdly (n.): Meeting a famous person and of the many witty things you can say, the best you come out with is something like “How ya doing?” (I wasn’t a complete boob when I met Tony Shalhoub. I told him that I can’t wait for new episodes of Monk and he said, “Neither can I.” How funny is that!)

Spookyfooky (n.): The feeling of idiocy after realizing the sound that has been terrorizing you for days is really only the refrigerator’s ice maker.

Yogle (v.): Staring at a box of Yodels for longer than ten minutes.

Fruckers (n.): The folks who have to shuck individual ears of mini corn.

Persistence of Bacon, The (n.): After you’ve had a time machine for a few years, the unfortunate condition of taking it for granted and using it for trivial things like going back to warn yourself not to overcook the bacon.

Some delicionyms (food-related indefonyms):

Figfog (n): The odd phenomenon where Fig Newtons appear tasty in the grocery store, but then are immediately revolting the second you step foot outside. Probably caused by subliminal advertising. The fig empire strikes again.

Jimpossible (n): Not snapping into a Slim Jim per se, but trying to savor the flavor for as long as possible. Legend has it that there has only been one man (his name simply “Jimmy”) who could enjoy a Slim Jim for as long as he wanted. Some believe Jimmy is really Chuck Norris with a pair of glasses on.

Bufphoon (n.): One who fears big spoons. Pronounced “buffoon” but with the accent on the “fph” part.

Mini-Spoon Loon (n.): One who fears very small spoons.

Ryan Phillippe (n.): One who fears Reese Witherspoon.

Taterhater (n.): One who fears baked potatoes such as the ones at Wendy’s because they can burn your throat really bad and cause you to speak like Donald Duck for a week, and also make your doctor call you “Hot Potato Man” in jest while you think “Yeah, that’s a good one, Dr. Mister Perfect And Never Had A Stupid Thing Happen To Him Guy”.

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